The journey of self-love is rooted deep within our ancestral past. Long before we make our entrance into this world, our blueprint for self-love is already being drafted by our parents, and even by their parents before them. This transgenerational impact showcases the interconnectedness of familial bonds and the profound impact of generational experience on our capacity to love ourselves.
Science and psychology now reveal the intricate ways in which both love and trauma are passed down through generations. Just as trauma from our ancestors can be encoded within our DNA, so can their reservoirs of love, understanding, and acceptance. But this coin has two sides. While we inherit their strengths and reservoirs of love, we also shoulder their fears, judgments, and traumas.
Children, in their formative years, are particularly vulnerable. Lacking the cognitive ability to differentiate between their own emotions and those of their caregivers, they often absorb the emotional states of those around them. Neuroscientific research shows that during the first five to six years of life, a child’s brain predominantly operates from its right hemisphere, which lacks the concepts of time, reasoning and linear progression. This means children experience an inherent sense of ‘oneness’, making them especially receptive to the emotional states of their caregivers.
I was born into a lineage marred with relational trauma. Both my parents bore the emotional scars of their caregivers’ traumas, which inevitably cascaded onto me. “Relational trauma” is a term that denotes traumas that occur within close relationships. This kind of trauma stems from those we deeply love, making its impact all the more profound. It left indelible marks on my self-perception and fostered feelings of disgust, shame, and fear.
My childhood was further overshadowed by the beliefs and actions of my grandmother and mother, who, due to their unresolved traumas, wielded fear and anger as tools of discipline, mistakenly believing these would mold me into a better individual. They were blind to the inherent love and goodness within me, and instead viewed the world through lenses tinted with their ancestral and personal fears. Their actions and beliefs exemplify the essence of relational trauma, a pervasive experience shared by many to varying degrees.
Our lens to the world — how we view ourselves and interpret the vast landscape of life — is profoundly molded by our earliest interactions with caregivers. In those tender, formative years, a child’s emotional compass is calibrated by the emotional steadiness of their guardians. As our brains and central nervous systems grow, they are intrinsically shaped by the depth and quality of our connections with those who nurture us.
Yet, there’s another layer to this delicate interplay: our caregivers’ relationships with themselves. Their internal struggles, or harmonies become our silent teachers. When caregivers radiate stability and self-love, they endow us with a rich inheritance of trust, curiosity, and confidence. Conversely, they can unwittingly pass on their battles with self-worth, imprinting us with doubt, shame, and a void that longs for fulfillment.
Our early environment doesn’t just nurture our physical growth. It intricately weaves the fabric of our beliefs, emotions, and perceptions. It sets the stage for the dance of life we learn to perform.
To acknowledge these transgenerational and biological influences is the first, crucial step towards a journey of self-love. As we unearth and comprehend the deep-seated experiences and relational traumas that have molded our perceptions, we can begin the transformative process of healing, reclamation, and ultimately, self-love.
